The Stalking is Stunting: How Obsessing Over What Isn’t Yours is Blocking Your Growth

As a therapist, I often hear people talk about the things they’re focused on goals, aspirations, and yes, sometimes even people. But when that focus tips into obsession, particularly when it involves chasing after something (or someone) that isn’t reciprocating your attention, it can be more than just a waste of time. It can be downright stunting.

Let me paint you a picture. Imagine you’re a plant. Yes, stay with me here. You’re this vibrant, green, full-of-potential little sprout. Now, all plants need sunlight to grow, right? But instead of soaking in the sun directly above you, you decide to stretch yourself toward that sliver of light peeking out from the shady corner, the one that’s just a bit out of reach. The more you reach for that elusive beam, the more you realize you’re not growing up toward the sky but twisting sideways, stunting your own growth. All the while, the full, warm, and welcoming sunlight is right there, waiting for you to bask in it.

In the same way, when you obsessively “stalk” that unreachable or uninterested person, that dream job that doesn’t fit your skillset, or that idealized version of success that isn’t aligned with who you truly are, you’re stunting your growth. You’re diverting your energy, your time, and your potential away from the many possibilities that are actually within your grasp.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m all for perseverance and a good challenge. But there’s a fine line between going after what you want and chasing something that’s simply not meant to be yours. Think of it like this: Are you stalking that dream, that person, that goal because it’s what you genuinely need to flourish? Or are you clinging to it because you’re afraid of what will happen if you let go?

Stalking, in this metaphorical sense, is like watering a dead plant. No matter how much time you spend, it’s not going to spring back to life. Meanwhile, other parts of your life, your actual growth areas are withering away due to neglect.

Stop being a stalker. Start being a gardener of your own potential. Recognize when something (or someone) isn’t helping you grow and make the brave choice to redirect your energy toward what will. Maybe that means nurturing your current relationships instead of obsessing over the one that ghosted you. Maybe it’s time to refine your skills for a job that actually values them instead of holding out for one that doesn’t.

Life is short, and the sun doesn’t stay in one place forever. Align yourself with what truly nourishes you, and watch how quickly you start to grow.

And if you need help figuring out what that sunlight looks like for you, a therapist can help you co-create a flourishing garden in your life.

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