Toxic Friendships

Have you ever part ways with a friend and it feels like your heart has been broken into a million pieces? Well imagine having to deal with a friend that you love dearly, but you are well aware that the friendship is bad for your mental health, and just plain toxic. Below I have shared some ways to spot a toxic friend, and hopefully if you spot any of these traits in a friend, you’ll find the courage to move forward without them. And if you are that toxic friend, maybe you’ll recognize your behaviors from the list below and change your toxic ways.

Six Ways to Spot A Toxic Friend

1. The conversation is never equal: During a conversation with this friend it’s always about them and what they are going through. There is no space left in the conversation to talk about your interests. If you try to get a word in, you are quickly shut down with a story they have that is like your experience, but definitely better. You tell your friend your dog got hit by a car, and instead of showing empathy, they respond by telling you the story of the time their dog got hit by a bus being driven by a cat. Toxic friends lack empathy.

2. They only call when they want something: The phone rings, you check to see who it is, and it is that one friend who only seems to call when they are in need. Whether it is to borrow money, your car, or babysit their kids, these friends only reach out when they need your assistance. Toxic friends are selfish.

3. They compete with you: Have you ever had a friend that tries to “one up” you on everything you do? If no, great. If yes, that’s a toxic friend. Toxic friends do not cheer for you when you win, but instead plot how they can outdo your success. After 12 years a slave to your job getting paid minimum wage for maximum duties you finally get promoted, instead of cheering for your success, your friend tells you how much better their job is, and the awesome bonus they got just for showing up to work. Toxic friends are jealous.

4. You feel drained after having a conversation or spending time with them: You spend all day with your toxic friend and the topic of conversation is centered around their life and drama. You listen to this friend’s drama about the partner that she will never leave even after emptying her bank account on gaming equipment, causing her to be evicted. This type of friend thrives on drama and never seems to notice when you need an encouraging word or advice. If you do happen to talk about your own life’s issues, you are judged instead of supported. It’s ok for our friends to challenge us, but when they judge you, they are disregarding your values and imposing their own. Toxic friends are judgmental.

5. You’re giving more than you’re getting: You’re always there for your friend, but never able to get a hold of them when you’re in need. A friend you’ve supported through heartbreaks, car thefts, and purse snatches, only to have that friend tell you in your time of need they’re busy. Good friends are dependable and consistent. Toxic friends are unreliable.

6. They always remind you what they’ve done for you: They helped you moved to your new apartment, prank call your boyfriend’s new girlfriend, revise your resume, or  pretend to be your boss for a new job reference, and you never stop hearing about it. Toxic friends will never let you forget the good they’ve done for you. You’ll always feel indebted to them.

A good friend should be someone who shares in your excitement and successes. Friendships should be a street with two lanes, and if your friend is unwilling to cross a lane to get to you, they may be toxic. If you suspect your friend is toxic, it may be time to move on. Losing a friend hurts, so try saving your friendship by setting clear and firm boundaries before making the decision to move on. If those boundaries continue to be ignored, count your losses and cut ties. Allow yourself time to grieve the loss. You may feel bad, find friends who reciprocate your friendship needs, and you will begin to feel better. Understand that friendships and people change over time, and because that friendship did not last, does not mean you are not a good friend, or worthy of wholesome friendships. Toxic friendships can damage your self esteem, leave you feeling depressed, and anxious. A friend should be someone you trust, enjoys their company, and allows you to be your authentic self while remaining supportive and honest. A friend should correct you from a place of love, not from the top of judgement hill.